Inside Out
by LexaLexie
Summary: After receiving a disturbing phone call, Abby goes to Luka, and spend the night learning things about each other that others never have.


11:29  
  
Abby stood outside of her apartment building, trying to figure out which way to turn.  
  
She watched as people walked past her, people she would never know. Others would know them, but probably not her. Maybe no one would actually ever really know them; maybe no one ever really knew anybody else.  
  
Suddenly this world, this country, this city, this life of hers seemed to big to comprehend.  
  
11:43 pm  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
Who the hell was she? Just showing up at his door at close to midnight without an explanation, just those demanding words.  
  
Luka looked at her, confused. Still trying to process exactly what was going on.  
  
"Abby? Are.. Are you alright?"  
  
"I need to talk to you."  
  
He let her into the apartment. Abby stood in the middle of the living room and looked at him.  
  
"We went out for a year, and I'm not even sure who you are."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You don't know who I am either."  
  
"But Carter does?"  
  
Carter. Did he know who she was? At least he understood.  
  
"He knows what it's like..."  
  
"What it's like...?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
the biggest lie you ever told - your deepest fear bout growin' old  
  
the longest night you ever spent - the angriest letter you never sent  
  
the boy you swore you'd never leave - the one you kissed on new year's eve  
  
the sweetest dream you had last night - your darkest hour, your hardest fight  
  
i wanna know you - like i know myself  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
12:24 am  
  
Finally she told him. Finally he understood. Why she could talk to Carter. Why she always turned down wine.  
  
He had another piece to the puzzle.  
  
"You could have told me before. You could have told me you were an alcoholic."  
  
"How could you ever understand? What it feels like, how hard it is?"  
  
"I know more than you think Abby."  
  
She looked at him closely. He wasn't an addict. He couldn't be. He didn't have those kinds of flaws. Or did he?  
  
"Were you........"  
  
"Not me. Danijela."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
i wanna know you - like i know myself  
i'm waitin' for you - there ain't no one else  
talk to me baby - scream and shout  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
12:30am  
  
"I guess it's really true then." He stood looking out the window.  
  
Abby watched him from the couch.  
  
"It is true. We don't know anything about each other."  
  
"It's not that we knew nothing Luka, we just... didn't know enough."  
  
"I just hope it isn't too late."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
i want to know you - inside out  
i wanna dig down deep - i wanna lose some sleep  
i wanna scream and shout - i wanna know you inside out  
i wanna take my time - i wanna know your mind  
ya know there ain't no doubt - i wanna know you inside out  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
12:36  
  
"Abby, what brought all this on? Did I do something-"  
  
"-No, you didn't do anything Luka."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"I got a phone call this morning. Made me think about it. The difference between who people are, and who we think they are."  
  
He looked at her questioningly. "A phone call?"  
  
She nodded. "From Eric. Our father's in jail."  
  
"Jail? Why?"  
  
"Rape."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
the saddest song you ever heard - the most you said with just one word  
the loneliest prayer you ever prayed - the truest vow you ever made  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
12:49am  
  
Luka sat beside her and watched as she looked aimlessly into space.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts."  
  
Abby snapped out of her daze and turned to look at him. A small smile came to her face. "Don't go using my line on me now."  
  
"Come on, what are you thinking? You haven't said anything in ten minutes."  
  
His fingers combed through her hair gently.  
  
"You said Danijella........ Well, what was she addicted to?"  
  
He sighed. "Mostly heroin. And Demerol. It uh, it was after Marco was born. She wouldn't get out of bed some days. But I ignored it. I didn't want to believe there was something wrong with the woman I loved. My prescription pads went missing, money was disappearing, but I looked the other way. I didn't want to believe it."  
  
He looked away for a moment as if he were thing about something. Thinking of her beautiful eyes that became so distant that year. Her smile. Her laugh. Her.  
  
"I never forgave myself. Afterwards, she kept telling me, 'Luka, it wasn't your fault'. But even after she got better, things were never the same again."  
  
"They're not supposed to be. They're supposed to change... for the better. So it doesn't happen again."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
"Did I what?"  
  
"Change."  
  
She shook her head. "I guess not."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
what makes you laugh, what makes you cry  
what makes you mad, what gets you by  
you highest high, your lowest low - these things I want to know  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
1:07am  
  
"She was never that kind of person. Like the kind we get in the ER. But her brother was. When so many people died because of the war, he died of a heroin overdose. I hated him. I hated him for giving her drugs, for convincing her she needed them."  
  
"Luka... it probably would have ended up happening anyways. If not pain killers, something else."  
  
"Maybe. But I still hate them. Drug addicts. Their world. The way they took the woman I loved into it. I couldn't ever let that happen again. I guess that's why whenever I see Carter, I see..."  
  
"Your brother-in-law?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
Abby bit her lip. "That's why... that's why you don't really like him.."  
  
"I couldn't see that happen to you. Not what happened to Danijela."  
  
"Carter's clean now."  
  
"That's what she said about her brother."  
  
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~  
  
i wanna know you - like i know myself  
i'm waitin' for you - there ain't no one else  
talk to me baby - scream and shout  
i want to know you - inside out  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
1:16 am  
  
"What made you drink?"  
  
Abby shrugged, "A lot of things."  
  
"Come on, you can do better than that."  
  
She sighed. "I don't know... I kept making excuses. At first, I was just a teenager partying. Then I was a drunken 20 year old who still couldn't do anything about her mother's illness. When I was 23 I was blaming the fact that getting married was scary. Then it was that my marriage was falling apart. Then..."  
  
"What?"  
  
She rubbed her eyes. Dare she tell him? Or would he just hate her forever?  
  
"What is it Abby?"  
  
It didn't matter now anyway. She shook her head, "my baby."  
  
He stared at her blankly for a moment, "baby?"  
  
She nodded solemnly.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I had an abortion... I killed my child. You dated a murderer."  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"It's true. I murdered my child. And I didn't even have the guts to tell Richard."  
  
"He never knew?"  
  
Abby shook her head. "I think it just went downhill from there. Things spun out of control. Alcohol was the only thing that seemed to make the spinning stop."  
  
"What made you want to stop? Stop drinking, I mean."  
  
"I went to a party in New York with Richard. Woke up three days later in the hospital. The doctor told me I was lucky to be alive. I realized that when lucky doesn't seem like the right word, something's wrong. I realized that if I really did die...." She shook her head slowly, "What would happen to Maggie? I had to stop making excuses."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
i wanna dig down deep - i wanna lose some sleep  
i wanna scream and shout - i wanna know you inside out  
i wanna take my time - i wanna know your mind  
ya know there ain't no doubt - i wanna know you inside out  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
1:28am  
  
Her entire body felt weak and exhausted. She closed her eyes and leaned back.  
  
"You alright Abby?"  
  
She didn't answer. She didn't know how to. How could anybody really be all right? It didn't really make sense.  
  
For the first time since they had broken up, Abby felt him put his arms around her and draw her in closer to him. Her body relaxed in his arms, and she slowly laid her head on his lap. Luka rubbed her side gently as she drifted asleep.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
i wanna know your soul - i wanna lose control  
c'mon n' let it out - i wanna know you inside out  
ya gotta dig down deep - i wanna lose some sleep  
i wanna scream and shout - i wanna know you inside out  
tell me everything...  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
1:40  
  
She was still sleep. Luka watched her intently; she looked peaceful. And beautiful. Softly he kissed her on the top of Abby's head and pulled a blanket over her. Fearing she would wake up, he didn't try to move from the couch. He kept watching her until he too fell asleep.  
  
Now the rest of the world didn't matter. There was nothing else to understand. Just each other. 


End file.
